Social networks like Facebook provide users with access to the personal lives of friends and acquaintances. Though this is helpful when attempting to recall the birthdays of forgettable individuals, one unfortunate consequence of social networks is that you may learn a little too much about the “quirky” girl who lived down the hall from you freshman year. She seemed perfectly nice back when you were stupid and amicable, but now that pictures of her obese cat incessantly bombard your Top News page, you begin to wonder why you ever clicked the “accept” button in the first place.
For a while, I vehemently denounced the “unfriending” of Facebook friends whom I have met. Recently, though, I realized the only time I would come close to communicating with several of these Facebook friends again would be via Facebook itself, so why worry about an improbable awkward confrontation with people who indirectly annoy me every single day? Why not easily rid myself of these social network pariahs?
I have outlined five situations in which it is appropriate to unfriend, well, basically anyone. Even your sister shouldn’t be your Facebook friend if she is partaking in any of these Facebook faux pas. You are better off without her.
1. Perhaps the most obvious of Facebook offenses, though nonetheless essential to this list, are statuses written by the most mundane people you know (or don’t know) which log their mediocre daily activities in explicit detail. These posts are enough to ruin the day of even a full-blown stalker. People who post these updates must be immediately revoked of Facebook friendship, preferably before you are reminded of how boring your own life is too.
2. People who repeatedly post spam. How many times do you have to click on “OMG YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT THIS GIRL DID TO JUSTIN BIEBER” to realize the link is not truly a portal to irresistible indulgence? Unfortunately, clicking will not take you to a deranged tween plummeting Biebz on the head with a shovel, screaming, “IF I CAN’T HAVE HIM, NO ONE WILL!” This technological Catch-22 will send the unsolicited link to your innocent friends, effectively introducing them to the same moral dilemma you just encountered: to click or not to click? It is the dumb people who repeatedly acquire Facebook spam, not Justin Bieber, who must have endured serious head trauma, and if not yet, will soon when I appear outside their doors with a shovel. Guess you shouldn’t put your address on the Internet, huh?!
3. Unfriend anyone who shows up at your house uninvited, wielding a lawn tool.
4. Friends who ceaselessly Facebook chat you though you have never had a genuine conversation with them, nor sought to have had a genuine conversation with them, must hit the road. If you feel guilty about removing a Facebook chat creeper, refer to the “suggest friend” tool and introduce him to your bestie, the cat hair-covered ex-dorm neighbor, keeping in mind that desperation and loneliness love company. (Fun fact: that was the original slogan for Facebook, note “random play.”)
5. Remove anyone whose profile picture is of a famous person and not of herself, as the photo is telling sign of a serious illness, a rare case of body dimorphic disorder. Instead of hallucinating that she is deformed, this friend believes she resembles Megan Fox when actually more akin to Rosie O’Donnell. Do the right thing in this situation and pity the diseased. Unfriend her so she can become accustomed to the rejection and disappointment which is her destiny. Or you could take the more subtle approach and simply comment, “HAHAHAHA” on the picture.
When asked if you are sure you want to unfriend, answer with a resounding click of the "yes" button, and savor the feeling of freedom. Reassure yourself afterwords that you are still cool, even if you now have merely 1659 friends instead of 1660. If this doesn’t work, don’t worry; there are still millions of potential fake friends on the Internet. And if all else fails, refriend the cat girl. She serves as a reminder of what you truly relish about Facebook: laughing at people who appear even worse off than yourself.
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